Me and my anger issues

Reflections on learning how to tame my anger and the new issues it created

If you were to open any of my bullet journals for the past 7 years, you’ll find one goal repeated in every single one of them.

It might be phrased slightly differently, but the goal was always the same.

LEARN TO CONTROL YOUR TEMPER!

Anger is a natural emotion.

If you are a human being, you’ll feel angry. There’s nothing wrong with feeling angry. It’s an emotion like every other emotion.

If you don’t feel angry at all, there’s something really wrong with you. Imam Shafi’ famously said:

من استغضب فلم يغضب فهو حمار

“The one who is provoked and does not get angry is a donkey.”

So anger is not bad in itself. It’s what you do with it that makes it good or bad.

If you watch me working or focused on anything from a distance, you might assume I’m angry.

I don’t how this happened but somehow I developed a resting angry looking face (I didn’t have it before!). I seriously need to smile more. I want a resting smiling face! Or at least a neutral one.

But when I’m angry, ah…

There are very few people in my life that I have snapped at. Very few. Most people who’ve known me for years haven’t seen me being angry or yelling at someone.

If you are from the people that I meet at work or school, you don’t know me at all. I don’t talk to you about things that marinate inside me. And if someone happens to argue with me, I probably don’t care about it. You won’t get a reaction out of me.

Yes, I might rant about it to my friend or my family when I get home, but I am not angry angry. I’ll forget it the next day.

If you are a relative and make fun of me or something, I’ll laugh it off even if I’m annoyed. I won’t get defensive or try to counter your claim even if I didn’t like your joke.

My sisters get annoyed by it. They don’t like how I just smile and don’t say anything. They say I should say something to shut them up. But honestly, I don’t care about it. Its not worth my energy and wit.

But at the same time, I don’t let people walk all over me. One time my driving instructor said something, I made sure he never dared to say anything like that ever again.

The guy was shocked honestly.

He didn’t expect a girl who didn’t talk much to silence him when he was disrespectful. He said: Pehle to aap baath nahi kartey. Aur baath karey so bhi ghusse mai.

“Firstly. you don’t talk much, and when you did, you were angry.”

If you are a person who is really close to me and you hurt me or just made me angry, I would snap at you a few years ago.

Now though, I’ll just go quite, do my thing and leave.

I still snap sometimes but not in the yelling way I did as a teen. I might say something with my un-smiling serious face.

My tone might be a little harsh, but I always try keep my vocabulary clean. The bad words you’ll hear come out of my mouth at most are: insaan, badtameez, pagal, hauley or ghaleez.

(Sorry non Urdu speakers I can’t translate these in a way that also keeps the spirit intact)

I get annoyed when my siblings use bad words that are worse than this but not that bad. I always stop them and tell them there is no need to use such words because I genuinely believe it won’t give you any extra peace but it will hurt the other person.

Coming back to me, it took conscious effort to learn to avoid yelling when I’m angry.

The person in front me deserves respect regardless of what happened. But more than that, where are my akhlaq?

Hence why, I constantly wanted to work on my anger.

Even this year, my only goal is to learn to regulate my emotions better. To take a breather and think before responding.

I didn’t realize that I got better at my anger until people started complaining about my silence.

So turns out controlling my anger so that I don’t snap at people has created a new issue: I don’t express myself properly.

Some of their criticism is valid but some of it, I simply don’t understand.

True, I often don’t share what is on my mind and how I’m feeling because I don’t feel safe to share it sometimes and other times I’m just trying not to explode with anger.

And the times when I’m successful in containing myself, sometimes people don’t even notice I’m angry.

They just see my smile-less face serious as if I was raised from the dead.

Side note, I am truly amazed at desi emotional intelligence levels. They’ll never pick up hints that you might be angry hence why you’re not smiling or talking. I guess the raging type of anger is the only one everyone is trained to recognize.

While it is true that I should express myself and how I feel about the things that I don’t like, I don’t know how to do that while also staying calm.

I remember once in eighth grade, I said something to my friend as a joke. Before we left though, she told me she was hurt by it. I apologized, told her that it was not a well thought out joke and that I’ll be careful next time.

That one instance taught me a lot.

I always liked how straightforward she was and told me that she was hurt by it. I wouldn’t have known otherwise.

The problem ended the same day because there was communication.

But mature conversations can not exist in majority of desi households. The moment you start to speak about how you felt, a reflection or a lesson you’ve learned in life, the conversation pivots to either shame, blame, joke or the same old same old advice for the thousandth time.

Just the other day, my sister said she didn’t like what was said and she was called “liberal” and made fun of. Because apparently you should just stay silent if you didn’t like it.

(Oh and my “unhealthy” silence was used as an example to say you should stay silent and say anything).

Its hard to have mature sit down conversations. I’ve tried it in the past but now I have decided that I don’t have the energy to have the conversation and deal with its aftermath.

I guess my hate for confrontations also fuels this decision to move away from it.

But with the absence of a proper way to express your anger, you just end up building your anger inside. And pent up anger is bad!

Earlier this year, I think it was Ramadan when I was experiencing chest pain frequently because of all of the anger built up.

It is unhealthy to hold on to anger. But I don’t have a healthy outlet yet.

And I also hate the fact that these days I get triggered really easily because of all of the preexisting anger. And often my little brother becomes the victim of my annoyance when he does silly stupid stuff.

I do apologize to him whenever I remember, explain it to him that I was overwhelmed and unreasonable to him. I try to make it up to him by playing monopoly cards, uno, puzzles or whatever else he wants to do.

When I share my frustrations with my cousin, she tells me I need to express my anger. I need to be rebellious. And I am like…

Bro… eh… how? Why?… I can’t!

The whole point of working on my anger was to become a better person. Have better akhlaq!

I already feel guilty for the times I say something when I’m angry in a calmer way (calm-er not calm btw). Because it doesn’t nothing but fuel the tension even more. It feels disrespectful.

(Plus I’m also the oldest sibling so I, like other older siblings, try to act strong (idk why we do that honestly) and also have the pressure to be the role model child. If any child acts up, they’re learning it from “me”!)

Sometimes it also feels like I’m letting people walk all over me when I’m silent, which my mom and sisters say too.

Although I never let anyone people on the outside be disrespectful to me, I find that in the name of not being disrespectful to your family, its very easy to let them get away with it.

Going back to my cousin, she says that the only way to let people care about your feelings is to lash out. Next time they’ll know she’ll react.

She says being unreasonable and expressing anger had made people think twice before they do anything because they would need to make room for her outbursts.

As much as I understand her take, I feel it is wrong for me to be loud and yell to get that.

I can’t do that.

Not after years of trying to be calmer in anger or staying silent if I can’t say anything good.

She mentioned the scene from When life gives you tangerines (I’m still on episode 5 sighs) where Ae Sun turns the table upside down when her mother in law calls her to give her blessing to her daughter to be a diver.

They live in a costal village where its common for poor women to be divers to bring food to the table.

Ae sun’s mother was a diver but she never let her daughter dive because she knew the price of it. You pay with your health. Being a diver had weakened her lungs which caused her to die when Ae Sun was still a little girl.

Now that Ae Sun had her own daughter, she refused to let daughter become a diver.

When she flipped the table, things got harder for her. The village spoke about her and her in laws gave her a hard time.

But it sent a message to everyone that she won’t be the submissive woman who agrees to everything.

They knew she would react. They had to consider her anger and her rebellion.

So my cousin argues that when you show your anger and express your rage, things will definitely get worse like it did for Ae Sun when she flipped the table. But it will make room for your emotions and feelings. It will make people care about how you feel.

I think this way of expressing your anger and making people care about you is very flawed. I surely won’t be able to do it but I don’t know what else to do.

Because there’s still virtue in swallowing your anger. Virtue < making people care about how you feel? Or Virtue > making room for your emotions?

What happens to all of the things you were taught about anger since you were young:

1. ۞ وَسَارِعُوٓا۟ إِلَىٰ مَغْفِرَةٍۢ مِّن رَّبِّكُمْ وَجَنَّةٍ عَرْضُهَا ٱلسَّمَـٰوَٰتُ وَٱلْأَرْضُ أُعِدَّتْ لِلْمُتَّقِينَ ١٣٣ ٱلَّذِينَ يُنفِقُونَ فِى ٱلسَّرَّآءِ وَٱلضَّرَّآءِ وَٱلْكَـٰظِمِينَ ٱلْغَيْظَ وَٱلْعَافِينَ عَنِ ٱلنَّاسِ ۗ وَٱللَّهُ يُحِبُّ ٱلْمُحْسِنِينَ ١٣٤ وَٱلَّذِينَ إِذَا فَعَلُوا۟ فَـٰحِشَةً أَوْ ظَلَمُوٓا۟ أَنفُسَهُمْ ذَكَرُوا۟ ٱللَّهَ فَٱسْتَغْفَرُوا۟ لِذُنُوبِهِمْ وَمَن يَغْفِرُ ٱلذُّنُوبَ إِلَّا ٱللَّهُ وَلَمْ يُصِرُّوا۟ عَلَىٰ مَا فَعَلُوا۟ وَهُمْ يَعْلَمُونَ ١٣٥ أُو۟لَـٰٓئِكَ جَزَآؤُهُم مَّغْفِرَةٌۭ مِّن رَّبِّهِمْ وَجَنَّـٰتٌۭ تَجْرِى مِن تَحْتِهَا ٱلْأَنْهَـٰرُ خَـٰلِدِينَ فِيهَا ۚ وَنِعْمَ أَجْرُ ٱلْعَـٰمِلِينَ ١٣٦

“And hasten towards forgiveness from your Lord and a Paradise as vast as the heavens and the earth, prepared for those mindful ˹of Allah˺. ˹They are˺ those who donate in prosperity and adversity, control their anger, and pardon others. And Allah loves the good-doers. ˹They are˺ those who, upon committing an evil deed or wronging themselves, remember Allah and seek forgiveness for their sins—and who forgives sins except Allah?—and they do not knowingly persist in wrongdoing? Their reward is forgiveness from their Lord and Gardens under which rivers flow, staying there forever. How excellent is the reward for those who work ˹righteousness˺!”¹

2. The Prophet ﷺ said: “The person who is strong is not strong because he can knock people down. The person who is strong is the one who controls himself when he is angry.”²

3. Ibn ‘Umar said, “There is nothing that is swallowed greater with Allah in reward than a slave of Allah who swallows and contains his rage out of desire for the pleasure of Allah.”³

4. Ibn ‘Abbas said, “The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, ‘ Teach and make it easy. Teach and make it easy.’ three times. He went on, ‘When you are angry, be silent’ twice.”⁴

5. “A man said to the Prophet ﷺ, ‘Give me advice.’ The Prophet ﷺ said, ‘Do not get angry.’ The man asked repeatedly and the Prophet ﷺ answered each time, ‘Do not get angry.’”⁵

6. On one occasion, the Prophet ﷺ silently smiled when Abu Bakr (ra), his most noble Companion, refrained from responding to a person who was insulting him. But when Abu Bakr (ra) eventually spoke up, the Prophet ﷺ became angry and left. He ﷺ later explained, “An angel was with you, responding on your behalf. But when you said back to him some of what he said, a devil arrived, and it is not for me to sit with devils.”⁶

And more…

I started writing this a week or two ago, but I was listening to Sh. Mikaeel’s halaqa the other day and it got me thinking again.

He mentioned a story about two men the Prophet ﷺ judged between. The one who he judged against turned away and said:

حسبي الله ونعم الوكيل

“Allah is sufficient for me, and He is the best dispenser of affairs.”

The Prophet ﷺ called him back and said:

‏ إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَلُومُ عَلَى الْعَجْزِ وَلَكِنْ عَلَيْكَ بِالْكَيْسِ فَإِذَا غَلَبَكَ أَمْرٌ فَقُلْ حَسْبِيَ اللَّهُ وَنِعْمَ الْوَكِيلُ‏

“Allah, Most High, blames for falling short, but apply intelligence, and when the matter gets the better of you, say; Allah is sufficient for me, and He is the best disposer of affairs.”⁷

(Okay this is a horrible translation but since I don’t know how to translate this, I’ve mentioned the one I found of sunnah.com (if I’m not mistaken!)).

Our deen doesn’t say sit back and do nothing.

You need to do everything in your capacity before you say Allah is sufficient for me and move on.

This makes me question if I’m doing enough or I’m making this into my ajz?

Am I being a coward and running away from expressing my anger healthily fearing the aftermath? Am I creating a false illusion that I’ve tried everything? Am I creating false chains that are making me feel shackled?

Can I do more? Or being silent is better?

For now, I don’t know what to do.

Except, one day after reciting to my qiraat teacher I apologized to her for how inconsistent I am these days, explained to her why and thanked her for being patient with me.

I had just recited surah hijr to her. She pointed me to the ayahs I had just recited. She told me that’s what you need.

وَلَقَدْ نَعْلَمُ أَنَّكَ يَضِيقُ صَدْرُكَ بِمَا يَقُولُونَ ٩٧ فَسَبِّحْ بِحَمْدِ رَبِّكَ وَكُن مِّنَ ٱلسَّـٰجِدِينَ ٩٨ وَٱعْبُدْ رَبَّكَ حَتَّىٰ يَأْتِيَكَ ٱلْيَقِينُ ٩٩

We certainly know that your heart is truly distressed by what they say. So glorify the praises of your Lord and be one of those who ˹always˺ pray, and worship your Lord until the inevitable comes your way.

Surah Hijr 15:97-99

She told me that’s what you need to do.

Do more dhikr and more sajdah. Worship and ask him for help.

I’m so grateful to have teachers like her alhamdulillah. She gave me the exact ayah that described how I felt along with what I should do.

To add to this, I learned from Sh. Mikaeel’s halaqa that the true climax of your life is in the depths of your brokenness not the heights of your achievements. The people of Allah embrace their brokenness and call onto al qawwiy like Nuh alayhi salam did:

فَدَعَا رَبَّهُۥٓ أَنِّى مَغْلُوبٌۭ فَٱنتَصِرْ ١٠

So he cried out to his Lord, “I am helpless, so help ˹me˺!”

Surah Qamar 54:10

Maghlub is overwhelmed, overpowered, helpless…

The moment you recognize your brokenness and admit it to Allah, that’s when Allah opens things for you. The ayah after this Allah says:

فَفَتَحْنَآ أَبْوَٰبَ ٱلسَّمَآءِ بِمَآءٍۢ مُّنْهَمِرٍۢ ١١

So We opened the gates of the sky with pouring rain,

Surah Qamar 54:11

The letter ‘fa’ indicates the immediacy of His response.

I began writing this with no idea what to do about my pent up anger but as I end writing this, I’ve got three things I should be doing when I feel enraged with no outlet to let it out.

1. More dhikr

2. More salah or more focused salah

3. Dua. Admitting my shortcomings to Allah and asking his for a way out.

I need to find a healthy way to express my anger but for now I don’t have one. If you struggle with this, please share your thoughts in the comments

Until next time,
with love and duas,
Hiba

1. Surah Al Imran 3:133-136

2. Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 1317

3. Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 1318

4. Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 1320

5. Bukhari and Muslim

6. Ahmad (9251) and Abu Dawud (4896)

7. Sunan Abi Dawud 3627